Friday, April 13, 2007

Eleven opposition players you'd gladly slap...

OK, seeing as this is a United blog, my team wont contain past or present Man United players. The criterion for the make-up of this team is that the players need to have for some reason got under your skin.

Here we go.

Goalkeeper - Jens Lehmann, Schalke 04, AC Milan, Borossia Dortmund, Arsenal and Germany. This man could start an argument in an empty stadium. In the 2006 CL final he became the first player and goalkeeper to ever be sent off in a CL final. He always seems to be involved in arguments with opposing players. Slap rating: 10/10

Right-back - Phil Neal, Northampton Town, Liverpool, Coventry, Man City and England: Well actually, I'd like to slap Phil on the back for the crap job he did at Man City. He deserves worse for the role he played while 'assisting' Graham Taylor when he was manager of England. Neal was caught on camera in a Channel 4 tv documentary repeating Taylor's ideas but without contributing anything original, for which he became a source of ridicule. Nice one Phil. Slap rating 9/10

Left-back: Graeme Le Saux, Chelsea and Blackburn. Hard to believe now, but he became the most expensive defender in English football when he returned to Chelsea from Blackburn in a £5 million deal in August 1997. I cannot put my finger on exactly what it was with Le Saux that annoyed me so much, but he did. Slap rating 8/10

Central defender: Mike Doyle, Man City. Many players have had run-ins with United over the years, but this bloke must have spent nearly every minute of his day hating the Red Devils. Slap rating 10/10

Central defender: Jackie Charlton, Leeds United, Sheffield Wednesday, Newcastle and Ireland: For being jack. Here's a classic quote about one of his Newcastle United defenders "He likes to play with the ball and I can't afford that with the back four that we have at the moment". Slap rating 8/10

Midfield: Denis Wise, Southampton, Wimbledon, Chelsea, Leicester, Swindon Town and Leeds: As a player he was as unsavoury as anyone I've seen play over the last 30 years. His contract at Leicester City was terminated after he fractured Callum Davidson's jaw. He was stripped of his captaincy at Chelsea for being convicted of assault, which was later overturned. In 1999 he was accused of "biting" Marcelino Elena of RCD Mallorca in a European Cup Winners' Cup tie. In 1998-99 he missed 15 games through suspension. He also was caught on camera appearing to squeeze Nicky Butt's tatters. Slap rating 10/10.

Midfield: Robbie Savage, Crewe, Leicester City, Birmingham City, Blackburn and Wales: Even though as a youngster he played for United, he has to be included in this team, because he so annoyingly tries to upset opposition players. Slap rating 9/10.

Midfield / winger: José Antonio Reyes. Seville, Arsenal, Real Madrid and Spain: A strong gust of wind would knock this bloke over, he was without doubt the biggest diver the Premiership has ever seen. Slap rating 10/10

Midfield: Lee Bowyer; Leeds United, Newcastle and England: Described elsewhere as the ultimate football chav. Slap rating 10/10

Forward: El Hadji Diouf, Liverpool and Bolton: This bloke has a charge sheet which makes grim reading, it includes spitting on fans and players alike, and he's been accused of wife beating but that charge was later dropped. Slap rating 10/10

Forward: Craig Bellamy, Coventry, Newcastle, Celtic, Blackburn, Liverpool and Wales: He seems to have been almost constantly mired in controversey. He reportedly shunned a move to Birmingham City, texting his then manager at Newcastle, Graeme Souness and chairman Freddy Shepherd 'I am Craig Bellamy and I don't sign for shit football clubs.' He fell out with John Arne Risse reportedly hitting him with a golf club - though to be fair, you can understand that :0). Slap rating 10/10

Manager: Alan Green: Ok, we know he's not a manager, but the way he goes on he thinks he knows the game inside out, and let's face it, he's one that most would surely love to slap. I think Alan Green could actually be the bastard child of Mike Doyle because he hates United with a passion. He so obviously supports Liverpool it's untrue. Slap rating 10/10


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  3. Very good blog. However, as much as I detest Alan Green.

    Other choices for managers: -

    Can you remember when Sutton United of the Patel's emporium and corner shop Sunday league knocked out, the then top flight Coventry City, from then FA cup (Before being publicly humiliated 8-0 by Norwich in the next round?

    The manager at the time became a sort of celebrity (a great example of 15 minutes of fame). He used to quote Shakespeare before, and at half time during games. Post match analysis was always a Shakespearean analogy.

    He was, in short, a **** of the first water. the most hideous, infuriating ****head that MOTD has ever interviewed.

    Jimmy Melia - oh how the media loved this scouse ****, when he got, the already relegated Brighton to the cup final against the mighty Reds. Always quick with his witty scouse repartee that got boring after a nano-second. I wonder how many Brighton fans will admit to wearing a Jimmy Melia wig at the '83 cup final - *******. He almost ruined Stockport County too. He managed them at the start of the first season where it became automatic relegation from the 4th division. Under his stewardship, County lost something like 10 of their first 12 games before the County board saw the light.

    Mike Walker he went on to Everton and nearly ruined them. He got found out, he even managed to fail on his return to the carrot crunchers.

    Graeme Souness - enough said

    Bobby Gould - Wimbledon, Coventry, WBA etc etc- this guy has to be the most sacked manager ever.

    Alan Ball - arrogant, dwarf with a voice straight from the Simpson's. Did he ever manage a team that didn't get relegated? What about him believing a rumour from the crowd that Southampton were losing and Man City were safe. He instructed his players to waste time. In thus doing, ensured their drop into obscurity. Actually, I love him for this.

    No list would ever be complete without my personal crusade against, legend in his own lunchtime, cockney wideboy, Terry Vegetables. What has he ever won? Don't mention Euro 96, England were ****. Talks a good argument though.

  4. One name not mentioned on either the players or managers most Red's would love to smack - Kevin bloody Keegan

    oh, how I detest the little squirt. From the moment he signed for liverpool (they don't deserve capital letters) he became the darling of the press and used to wind me up something dreadful.

    Even after maturing during the intervening 30 odd years and I've mellowed into something slightly above sub-human, the thought of this smug pseudo scouse git repulses me but I do now, albeit retrospectively, have to admit a begrudging admiration for the liverpool team of the late '70s and '80's. Most of this has to be put down to the fact that, the player to replace Keegan, Kenny Dalgleish, has to be one of the most complete footballers, I've ever seen (and it still hurts to admit it).

    Now back to my Keegan rant. There was a program on a number of years ago, called "the greatest" (I think) when two celebrities put their cases forward about two different sportsmen to a jury to decide which one, was indeed, the greatest. Tony Jacklin versus Arnold Palmer, you know the sort of thing?

    Anyway, Michael Parkinson argued the case for George Best. As if he had to? While Dennis Waterman did likewise for Kevin bloody Keegan. A mismatch in the realms of putting Lenox Lewis in a ring with Curly Watts (now there's a thought).

    Unbelievably, Kevin bloody Keegan won. If I ever get sent to trail at the crown court, I'm going to hire Dennis Waterman, at any cost. If he can convince anyone that Kevin bloody Keegan was better than George Best, he must have the hypnotic powers of Darren Brown. An absolute disgrace to mention Kevin bloody Keegan and George Best in the same paragraph.

    Keegan was also England's darling during his playing career. Little has been mentioned about the state of English football during this time. We failed to qualify in the two World cup competitions he played in and he was injured for most of the third, where we scraped through. His only contribution to England's quest (his last contribution in an England shirt incidentally) was to come on as a substitute against the hosts, Spain, and miss a chance even Diego Forlan would have buried.

    Remember when he signed for Newcastle? "I'm joining Newcastle because I feel I owe it to the miners as my father was a miner". This was during the bleak years of Thatcherism. The bitch must have been delighted at such spin - he failed to mention that he had become British Footballs top earner. Presumably, if Swansea had offered more money, his Father would have also been Welsh?

    Now lets not forget something, after he quit playing football, he disappeared to Spanish Golf Course for about eight years. he also left with a jibe at England "the country's finished - better life style in Spain" (or words to that effect).

    Of course, with Newcastle teetering on relegation to the old third division, the "Messiah" (what planet are these people from?) comes riding into town, sorry "Toon" on his white charger. Many Geordies would have him back tomorrow, but then again, we are talking about Neanderthals.

    He spent a phenomenal amount of money, dispensing with the reserve team and all but demolishing Newcastle's famed scouting and youth system. They've still not recovered from his excesses - and some want him to return??? enough said!

    Now then, as Manager of the National Team. Euro2000 will undoubtedly be remembered for us becoming the laughing stock of Europe. Unfortunately, the Burberry clad arseholes that follow the team will only remember Euro2000 because of us (luckily) beating an aging German side. Let us not forget, in the first game of the tournament, we were 2-0 up against a highly talented Portuguese side. There wasn't one person in the packed pub where I watched it that didn't foresee what was about to happen. Of course, with Kevin bloody Keegan at the helm, if plan A fails, revert to plan A - there is never a plan B - we lost 3-2 which, considering the footballing lesson Figo and co gave us, was a sort of moral victory.

    Eventually, on a rain soaked afternoon in 2001 that was to be the Old Wembley's last game, Keegan, admitting the job was too much for him, resigned, live on tele, from a toilet underneath the stands - How fitting. However, the press still revered him, one gin soaked old hack actually stated that we should admire him because of his honesty. No, no, no. I'd admire him if he paid back some of the millions of pounds we'd paid him for doing a job (badly) that he couldn't bloody well do.

    I supposed with this unconditional (some would say pathological) hatred I have for the guy, it was destiny, he'd manage city at some time or other. It was at this point, I started getting up earlier in the morning so I could hate him for longer.

    Has anyone ever met a blue that claims city were in better shape after Keegans departure? this, even after getting them promoted back into the premiership. As with all his other managerial posts, the man walked out when the going got tough.

    He's promised that he won't return to football - thank goodness for small mercies - but don't be too surprised if a chairman with a fat wallet and little sense comes calling for a miracle cure. God help us.

    if Denis Wise and Lee Bowyer were awarded 10/10 in the smackabilty stakes, Kevin bloody Keegan must be worth 15/10.


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